Cancer and a Broken heart

Everything happened after March 2020 and until today still is like a surrealistic paint from Salvador Dali or a Buñuel film.

I spent the last 2 years battling with a broken heart and cancer, oh yeah, I can’t also not forget to spend the quarantine alone as a risk person due to my diabetics.

One day I found an article about the relation between cancer and a broken heart. The conclusion of the article was: it is not clear if broken heart syndrome causes cancer or vice versa…both are shitty situations.

From my experience on this topic, things really happen for a reason. My heart was yearning for love, compassion, friendship and time. But He could not give me anything of those things.

He left me without a good bye and telling me he never felt anything for me. At the beginning I was very sad and felt like I didn’t worth a thing, even a good bye after almost 4 years. Nowadays I feel it was the way things should have happened. After 4 months of the break up I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer stage 3.

Everything was so fast, his absence stop to be part of my day, He was not so active in my head anymore. My thoughts 24/7 were : I want to be healthy, I don’t want to die.

One day I found my worth again. It was me! I worth because I am I !! He was not my worth.

Today I think he made me a favor when he left me. Battle a cancer lacking of love, attention, compassion and friendship is not the best medicine.

So I don’t know if one thing causes the other, for me a broken heart and a cancer caused me to find myself again and I am glad for it.

Poetic Solitude

Solitude for me is the prettiest word in the English language. I come across with this wonderful definition: Solitude may imply a condition of being apart from all human beings or of being cut off by wish or circumstances from one’s usual associates. It suggests a shutting away or keeping apart from others often connoting deliberate withdrawal from the world or retirement to a quiet life.

Solitude implies loneliness and for some reason, both words are always associated with sadness. Sometimes solitude is needed to hear our souls, to give us a break from all the noise, the daily stress. Let’s take this forced time of isolation to go inside ourselves and check if the way we were living before was the way we always wanted to have; or it is simple the way we thought we were imposed to have

The Art of Let it Go …

Being in the unknown is very scary, it is better to hold to an old known feeling than to let this one go and open yourself to a new one, an unexpected one. But is that healthy?

We can’t predict the future, we can live the present, my problem is that I hold the past constantly in my head and heart.

I hold hard to memories, sometimes happy but mostly hold the most painful ones.

To hold to the past doesn’t help me to live the present either. What kind of thoughts, do I want to fire in my head? The old ones I can’t change, because they are gone?

It is time to stop rehearsing the past, close chapters, say some good byes and learn the art to let it go …

Such a Slut….

“Hey you love talking about sex , it excites you” was the comment I got while having some cocktails and talking about sex and relationships with a group of women between 35 and 55 years old. I found this comment sad, I always forget, there are still a lot of women out there who find it hard to cope with other women like me, who embrace their sexuality and can talk without taboo about it.

It is for me in someway hard to understand, why some women in the 21st century still find sex a taboo tema to speak. When they see a woman who is not afraid or ashamed of it, they ‘ slut shame’ her. This forces the other ladies to hide their sexuality thoughts for themselves.

It is 2019 and a lot of people still can only put women in two categories or stereotypes: saints and sluts. As 42 year old women I refuse to take part of this BS. I have no interest in playing the innocent blushing vigin role for anyone’s sake, specially for another women who can’t handle to accept that WE ladies have the same RIGHT, NEED and PLEASURE as a man.

So well my inner slut doesn’t need the approval of anyone and it is happy to talk about all loud !

It is just an opinion …

“When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.”
– Bronnie Ware

We all are born with an expiration date, unconditionally of the race, sex or social status. It is the only sure thing we get at the moment our heart beats for the first time in our mother’s womb.

Why is it so hard to think about this inevitable truth, without a lump starts to form in our throats, and our temperature rises a bit?

I personally feel uncomfortable and a little nervous.

It makes me specially anxious, the thought of how people will remember me? As a good human being? Or as selfish bitch ?

Then, I realise that one of the facts, which doesn’t allows us “live like you’re dying” is that we are all often in a subconscious driver to “be normal”, or to “be accepted”, or to “fit in”. We consciously think on the opinions of others, and may in fact allow our behaviour and decisions to be influenced by what others think…

Of course, I love the acceptance of who I am to others, to feel I fit in as much as the next person wants me to, but… I’m also a HUGE freedom lover and I don’t like following the herd without consciously ME CHOOSING. I’m a believer in walking to the beat of your own drum, living true to your own soul, following your intuition as the primary authority in your life, and feeling at ease in your own skin. 

And it’s nearly impossible to do that when you’re simultaneously concerned about what others think of you. Believe me, I’ve tried!

Solitude

What is love but the strangest of feelings?

A sin we swallow for the rest of our life?

I’ve been looking for someone to believe in

To love, until your eyes run dry

Living on disillusion road

We go where the wild blood flows

On our bodies we share the same scar

Love , wherever you are

How do we love with fate full of rust?

How do we turn what the savage take?

How do I love in a house without feelings?

I live by disillusions codes

Hey, How do you love on a night without feelings?

love, I hear sound, I see fury

love’s not a hostile condition

wherever you are

Box of Memories

There’s an ambivalence about moving flats. The mix of sadness and happiness while packing boxes is enormous. I am going through all my things, forced to clutter, forced to choose what I need and what I really want to keep. Things I have since years, memories I have choosen to hold on to.

I am chaotic, I think because I get emotional about possessions. Photos, clothes, little things. Memories. I don’t enjoy going through my things, thinking about them, what happened back then… it’s hard to throw things away. Get rid of happy and sad memories.

But the time is now and I need a new start – place… home 

Unexpected

You came to me unexpectedly, when all my world was dust and air was heavy to breath.

you came into my life unexpectedly and everything took a turn for the better, your warm Cristal eyes, your silly jocks, the sincere way we speak, the kindness you showed me and the red roses…all became a part of my life.

And the unexpected turned surprisingly beautiful.

Lost in translation

German is a logic language, it has exactly verbs for every specific action. It is a wonderful language. In fact, there are a handful of fantastic German words that describe life more perfectly than any Spanish word could. For example:

Heimweh: when you miss your home land so much that it causes you physical pain.

Torschlusspanik: the fear, usually as one gets older, that time is running out and important opportunities are slipping away.

But when I try to talk about feelings, about what my soul is feeling or what my heart is telling me to translate in words, I just find Spanish the best language for me to explain what I want to say.

I don’t want my feelings to get lost in translation, German is not my mother tongue, for many experiences, especially those involving intense feeling, german language itself is in capable of conveying the experience that I want to translate. Example the German word  “ich mag dich” I find just to superficial to tell that to a person, whom is digging a place inside my heart, and I know that place may grow with the time until maybe one day I will be able to say I love you- ich liebe dich or Te amo.

I concluded that it doesn’t matter how good or bad I am in a foreign language, my heart and my souls feel and think in the language of my ancestors, the first language I learnt my first words, It is wonderful to be able to speak perfectly one of the most romantic languages in the world and be able to say from the bottom of my heart and soul  “Te Quiero”

Les amis

We met between English, linguistics and French classes. You have just arrived from France and I was just transferred from my second year in law school.

We shared a couple of semesters together at the Languages and Comunication Faculty. One day you decided you wanted a new field of studies and started to pusuit you life as historian, nevertheless our friendship never got affected by this decition, it grew stronger everyday.

We have built many precious memories, I saw you getting married to an extraordinary  French man than decided to leave the comfortable waters of France so he could swim with you in the turbulent ones of Colombia. I learnt from you guys that love has no borders and that when you really love you cross oceans to be with that object of your affection.

Today after six years of hard work, I saw you getting your title as Doctor in Hispanic Studies; I am so happy,  I have got the opportunity to support you in this adventure. The thousands of congratulations you got in the presentation will never be enough in my opinion.

Our Friendship  is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect, and trust. We share similar interests and mutual respect. The emotional safety you provided me by not having to weigh my thoughts or measure my words is true friendship and I love you for that Doctor.